A Letter To Facebook

 

Writing a letter *oil on panel *39 x 29.5 cm *signed b.c.: GTB *ca. 1655
Writing a letter *oil on panel *39 x 29.5 cm *signed b.c.: GTB *ca. 1655

Dear Facebook,

Why do you to entice me in with your ever flowing mounds of delightful information? I feel as if we have shared so much in the time I have known you. From the intimate details of the lives of others and the inside jokes we share, I feel a connection to you that I can not describe. How you protect me from ever having to leave my safety zone. You provide me with an unending supply of the miracles of life. Life lessons I have garnered from you will keep me from ever making another mistake, if only I would listen. All the drama unfolding that I can watch with my very eyes safely behind my own computer screen is intoxicatingly reassuring that my life is boring. But you are there to show me exactly what I should do with this existence.

The constant supply of selfie images is a beneficial part of my everyday life. The ability to see what my friends look like every second of the day is as a comforting balm to my soul. And keeping track of all the food that I will plan to one day prepare will keep my from ever having to actually cook any of it. To be able to know my self worth based on likes is so much easier than walking around guessing. I just don’t know what I would do without you.

How I can waste hours in your infinite enchantment. Oh, how you keep me from doing anything but scouring your bountiful walls of wonderment. Your wonderful waterfalls of banter and sarcasm continue to make me gawk with amazement. The wit you showcase in your supply of memes is an astonishment to me. They leave me forever pondering how in the world you come up with your genius material. You truly have a talent for making me laugh.

You have been there for me so often. If not for you I would never know all the things I have been doing wrong all my time on this Earth and lived a life of denial and confusion. I don’t know how I could ever repay the kindness you showed when you informed me I have been eating cupcakes wrong. As will the guidance you gave me to how I should be brushing my hair will never be forgotten. I owe you so much dear Facebook that I don’t think I could possibly thank you enough. You have indeed given me a new lease on life. I can stand proud in public if and when I ever make it back to that unknown and terrifying land of reality. I will instead continue to stay ensconced in your ever developing embrace devouring all the deliciousness that you have to offer.

Sincerely

Me.

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