I really haven’t had much to say lately. I’ve been going about the blog as a business and likening to work. Getting what I need to get done for previous obligations. Yet I was reminded today why I actually started blogging. We watched Mom’s Night Out earlier, My husband and I. The movie starts with a familiar scene of an over stress mother blogging. The first words being, “I am a mommy blogger.” The sounds of the keys being clicked as she talks about her cleaning obsession and her lack of followers was a sound I would be able to identify anywhere. The whole moment resonated with me. So I want to start over for a moment possibly or maybe for longer….
I am a mommy blogger….
Does that make me super mom, always knowing exactly what to do? No, it means I make enough mess ups that I have enough material to write about that might be interesting to someone out there. Most of the time I am flying by some unseen inborn mother’s intuition that I’m pretty sure is often broken and confused. I worry daily that I need to start a therapy savings account so a future head doctor can try to reverse all the mistakes I have made with my children. I mess up. I do however have wonderfully forgiving children who love me through my mistakes as I love them through theirs. At least I taught them that. This mom business is the hardest job I have. I never know if I have made the right choices or done the right thing and I love them soo very much that most of the time my emotions are involved. Emotions have a tendency to be unreliable and cause reckless behavior especially when my kids are at the root of everything. Momma bear is so much more scary than Momma Blogger and she doesn’t have a track record for rational actions.
If I am not here giving out perfect useful advice, why exactly am I here? What does being a mommy blogger mean? I’m not sure, I don’t even know if half the time I am doing any of this right. If you know the answer to this all important question fell free to share for all to read. I on the other hand, usually feel like a little country girl lost in the big city scared and very naive ready to be taken advantage of by the big bad wolf. I don’t know what I am doing, I just do it and hope for the best about like the approach I take with motherhood. I used to worry about numbers this or numbers that. Who is reading this or who is following but now I have come to find that blogging is a roller coaster. Sometimes I worry too much and sometimes I get so tired of the worry that I let things slide. I don’t speak for all the other mommy bloggers out there but being a mommy blogger is the second hardest job I have ever had. It’s hard to always be on my game and have some funny or wise little anecdotal saying to base a post on. Always trying to one up my past posts and constantly have fresh new material. It’s exhausting as I have ideas of what to write about always swimming around in my brain. Family outings turn into bloggable moments. Privacy is not for the bloggers.
I don’t regret my blog decisions… I take that back, there are some I regret although I will never admit freely to the regret because that would be bad form. I’m not one to negatively speak about anyone. I may be a Momma bear at times but I am NEVER a Drama Momma. So I always smile even when it hurts, I smile. It’s a wonderful philosophy to live by. When you smile, no one knows the pain they have caused giving them no power over you. When you smile, no one knows your completely lost in the chaos. You have to take the bumps and bruises to get stronger. That isn’t what I meant to say and I don’t really know where it came from. I guess I sometimes smile so much I forget those deep down scars that will always be there ready to show themselves the moment I let my smile slip. Ignore all that…. Think of it as a long nonsense run on sentence by an overworked stressed out mother who would like nothing better than to be laying on a beach soaking in the sun and not worrying about one of the kids being swept away in the ocean or stung by a jelly fish or kidnapped or…. the list goes on and believe me my mind plays out each gruesome scenario anywhere we may go or be to create a plan of action to try to keep my kids safe. My husband often asks what do I have to be stressed about….I want to know. What do I not have to be stressed about?
It’s funny to say that a comedy movie made me think about my own life and my own feelings. I guess it is because I get it. I feel what they wrote about and made a movie about and it made me realize that I am not alone. There isn’t anything wrong with me except my point of view. Life isn’t about creating perfection it’s about finding the meaning and those small moments of happiness in the midst of all the other mess. It’s about taking the joy and leaving the baggage behind. Life may be full of pain, fear, worry, sadness and stress but there is so much beauty, love, happiness, laughter, and joy that we can be bigger than the bad. We are not perfect, no one is but GOD. And if He can love me even besides my mistakes, I should be able to as well.
I am a mommy blogger. That makes me failable not the opposite. I own up to my vincibility and in life I know exactly what is not going to happen…. I will never perfect the art of motherhood. I’m not the idea mother that you would think of if the word perfect came into play. I am however the best mother I can be and for me, today, that is good enough.